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Grand-dad's gift

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Grand-dad's gift

Post by Chezberryz456 on 25th August 2010, 1:42 pm

NOTES:
-I wrote this at mid-night last night, so if there's any mistakes/typos, or anything you don't understand then I'll happliy try and help with the confusion. I did manage to go through and edit it this moring, so it should be ok...
-I'm sorry Star, but once this idea came to me, it wouldn't leave No
-Amber's POV.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

~~Grand-dad's gift~~

I sat in the garden meditating, as the other’s worked in the restaurant and doing deliveries. That was one of the best things about being pregnant. Mr Wu wouldn’t let me help out in the restaurant, and I couldn’t ride my bike at 7 months pregnant, so I used the time to meditate mostly. It helped get rid of the stress of it all. Recently I had been under a lot more stress, all because of Jake not visiting me. I had started having more frequent mood swings because he called to say he was busy, but everyone thought they were just to do with me getting nearer to my due date. Nobody knew how I felt about Jake inside. I loved him deeply, and was always heartbroken when I heard that he was busy. He never said why he was busy, or made arrangements to see me another day.


I sighed. I was losing focus, so I tried to clear my head of all the thoughts- Jake and otherwise. I closed my eyes and relaxed, almost dropping off. Then I heard the familiar sound of Kong Li laughing. My eyes snapped open. He was right in front of me, and two shifters stood behind him. I jumped up, hoping the others would come out soon, and help in the fight that was going to begin. I didn’t want the babies to get hurt, or killed for that matter.


“I see I have grandchildren on the way” He sneered, slowly walking towards me. I dropped down into my fighting stance. He shook his head and laughed.

“You shouldn’t be fighting on your condition.” He grinned. “Anyway, where is the father- Jake I believe?” My heart broke as he mentioned his name. My arms dropped to my sides, and I went weak at the knees. He laughed some more. I snapped back into position. This was his plan! To drown my spirits then take me by surprise. Well, it wasn’t going to work.

“Oh Amber” He sighed, but I still noticed the wide smirk on his face. “I’m not going to fight you in your condition. I wouldn’t want to hurt my grandchildren now, would I?” He sneered, and I cringed. Although they were, I hated the fact that my children were Kong Li’s grandchildren.

“What do you want then?” I glared, still holding my defence.

“I wanted to leave a gift” He said, his smirk getting even bigger. He snapped his fingers. “Shifters, bring it in.” They disappeared through the back gate, and reappeared a minute later, carrying Jake between them. They dropped him in front of me, then retreated back behind Kong Li.

“JAKE!” I screamed, dropping down on my knees next to him. His eyes fluttered open, and he blinked slowly. He had deep gashes in his cheeks, and blood covered his clothes and skin. Tears streamed down my face as I saw what Kong Li had done to him. He breathed heavily, his chest rising and falling unevenly. He smiled painfully and reached out and my stomach carefully. Then he whispered one word before his eyelids drooped shut. I hardly heard him, but it was enough.
“Sorry.” I cried out in anguish.

“NO! JAKE!” I screamed. I leant down, and checked for a pulse. Nothing. I pushed harder, looking for the slightest sign to show he was still alive. Again, nothing. I glanced at Kong Li. He was grinning wildly, watching my pain, and enjoying it.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM!?” I screamed, tears flooding down my face.
“Nothing” He replied, and merely disappeared, with his shifters, in a puff of smoke. I heard shouts and gasps behind me, but I couldn’t care about them less.

“Amber!?” Sue called, and put her arms around me, gently lifting me. I hit her away, and fell onto my back, next to Jake. The one who I had loved so dearly, and lost so painfully. Inside I felt dead.
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Re: Grand-dad's gift

Post by WolfieStar on 25th August 2010, 3:02 pm

We love torturing those girls when they're so pregnant XD i'm actually doing something like this. Great minds think alike XD

You're getting better and better Chezza. Honestly.

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Re: Grand-dad's gift

Post by ThaliaAnderson on 25th August 2010, 8:24 pm

Okay, so, I must be deranged or something, because reading it, I was actually beginning to think that somewhere in that deep void that is Kong Li, there was a heart and he was going to do something nice. (One does not think of a gift as being bad, hahah) And then when they brought Jake in, I was like, "Oh, screw you Kong Li," and assumed that he'd beaten him up a bit for getting his daughter pregnant.

But he died. Which immediately made my face do something like this:
...8;|
The semi-colon is supposed to be a teardrop. >>

And then my face turned into something like this:
D;8 >
And then: >B[
Because I wanted to go hurt Kong Li.

Anyways, you do get better with everything that you write. The flow was good and I loved the introduction about her meditating. I wish it had a gone a little slower--more time to react to the fact that Jake was gone and what that would mean for Amber and the todlettes on the way--what it was like to just suddenly lose somebody so important. But that was my only problem--it felt just a little rushed, like you wanted to be done with it as soon as possible.

And just as a piece of advice, try using italics instead of caps. I find that it conveys a better feeling of stressed and anger than caps can. (:

but everyone thought they were just to do with me getting nearer to my due date.

I'm not entirely sure what that sentance meant. XD

EDIT:
HEY WAIT.
I THINK I GET THE SENTENCE. It's about the mood swings, right? XD Okay, I see now, ahhaha.

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Re: Grand-dad's gift

Post by Chezberryz456 on 25th August 2010, 10:07 pm

Lol. XD I don't think Kong Li could ever give a nice gift.
I understand what you mean about it being rushed, but as I was writing it late at night, I was tired and didn't think to prolong it a little more.
Wow, Thank you so much, and thank's for the adivce, I'll definatly keep it in mind (:
And yes, that sentence was about the mood swings.
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Re: Grand-dad's gift

Post by ThaliaAnderson on 25th August 2010, 10:30 pm

Well, I liked the idea of him doing something nice, I guess. XD

OH OH.
HALEY ARE HARMONY HAVE COUSINS.
8D

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